How having herpes changed my dating life (spoiler: for the better)

I got herpes when I was 28, right after ending a long-term relationship. Talk about timing. There I was, ready to get back out there and date, and suddenly I had this thing I had to tell people about. I was convinced my sex life was over.

Spoiler alert: I was completely wrong.

Don't get me wrong—the first few months were rough. I cried, I googled way too much, and I definitely had some pity parties. But once I got past the initial shock, something unexpected happened. Having herpes forced me to become a better communicator, and that changed everything about how I approach relationships.

The wake-up call I didn't know I needed

Before my diagnosis, I was terrible at talking about sex. I'd sleep with people without discussing boundaries, safer sex, or even what we actually wanted from each other. I just assumed we were all on the same page (we rarely were). Having herpes meant I couldn't wing it anymore—I had to have actual conversations.

The first time I told someone, I was a mess. I over-explained everything, apologised profusely, and basically acted like I was confessing to a crime. They were sweet about it, but I could tell I'd made it way more dramatic than it needed to be. That's when I realised I needed to get comfortable with this conversation, because I was going to be having it a lot.

Learning to own my story

It took practice, but I developed a simple script that worked for me. Before things got physical with someone new, I'd say something like: "Hey, I want to talk about sexual health stuff before we go further. I have herpes, which is super common and manageable. I take daily medication to reduce transmission risk, and we can use condoms too if you'd like. Do you have any questions?"

The unexpected benefits

Here's what nobody tells you about having an STI: it becomes an excellent filter for the kind of people you want in your life. Someone who reacts with judgment or makes you feel dirty? Not your person. Someone who asks thoughtful questions and appreciates your honesty? Keeper.

I started having better sex because I was having better conversations. When you're already talking about transmission risks and boundaries, it's easy to also talk about what you like, what you don't, and what you want to try. My partners knew more about my body and my preferences than ever before.

The medication I take (daily antiviral) means my transmission risk is incredibly low, especially when combined with condoms during outbreaks. But even beyond the practical stuff, I found that people respected my openness about sexual health. It set a tone of honesty that carried into other parts of our relationships.

What I wish I’d known sooner

If you're newly diagnosed and freaking out, here's what I want you to know:

• It's incredibly common. More than 1 in 8 people have genital herpes, and most don't even know it. You're joining a very large club.
• The first outbreak is usually the worst. I thought I was dying during my first outbreak (okay, maybe I'm dramatic), but subsequent ones have been mild and rare.
• Daily medication is a game-changer. It reduces outbreaks and significantly lowers transmission risk. Talk to your doctor about it.
• You don't owe anyone a relationship. Some people won't be interested when you disclose, and that's their choice. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you.

The bottom line

Having herpes didn't ruin my dating life—it actually improved it. I learned to communicate better, set clearer boundaries, and choose partners who value honesty over convenience.

I'm in a long-term relationship now with someone who couldn't care less about my herpes status (though we still have great conversations about sexual health).

Your diagnosis isn't the end of anything. If anything, it might be the beginning of having the kind of sex life you actually deserve—one built on honesty, communication, and mutual respect.

Trust me, you've got this.